What is autistic masking?
In short, Masking is the conscious or unconscious efforts made by autistic people to hide or suppress their autistic traits and behaviours in order to fit in with Neurotypical (non-autistic) people.

There are many ways that autistic people masks and the majority of them require a lot of physical and mental energy to maintain and drain autistic people very quickly. It can also lead to mental health issues, including anxiety and depression.
Masking can include things like, mentally scripting conversations (and if conversations go “off-script” it is usually very stressful for an autistic person), forcing eye contact and suppressing the urge to “stim”, which is how many autistic people emotionally regulate themselves (stimming is often a repetitive motion, such as rocking back and forth of hand flapping).

Attempting to mimic Neurotypical speech, facial expressions and behaviours, is also a common masking technique and can be draining for an autistic people, because it takes a lot of effort to maintain behaviours that they don’t understand or don’t do naturally, in an attempt to appear more “normal”.

Autistic people mask in order to be accepted by their peers and to fit in socially, despite the fact that it can cause burnout and mental health issues. Other issues can include a late diagnosis, as mentioned previously masking is not always a conscious process, so a person might have no idea that they are autistic and continue to struggle without knowing anything, because they have been led to believe that they’re struggles are normal and everyone struggles with similar things.

Masking may also lead people to believe that a person isn’t autistic as they spend so much time and energy pretending to be Neurotypical. It may also prevent a person from getting the support they need, as they come across as “High Functioning” or competent at looking after themselves.

Autistic people can feel a loss of self due to having to mask, as they are constantly having to change who they are in order to fit in with different social circles. This can be very stressful for autistic individuals because lacking a sense of self can be confusing and detrimental to their sense of worth and self-esteem.

As an autistic person I find Masking utterly exhausting, but having never really had a place where I could unmask safely, has meant that I no longer feel like I know who the real me is any more. I’m not even sure if I know who the “real me” is or ever was, and coming to that realisation at 35, this is somewhat distressing.

When I try to dig down into my feelings,  I feel nothing, a blankness that I feel disconnected from. I feel like I don’t have my own identity, I am who I think others want me to be. I present myself differently to different people and leave no room for who I want to be by myself. I worry that  have left it too late to undo the damage that that might have caused. I don’t know where to begin to try and unpick that knot.

I often feel isolated and disconnected because I don’t know who I’m supposed to be. I often feel like I have to shut down and be non-verbal for a while because it is easier than trying to figure out what I am feeling. It is very lonely as I feel like I don’t have anyone to relate to.

On a slightly lighter note, The National Autistic Society has some great information about masking at this link here:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/masking

As well as other resources across their site, so they’re definitely worth checking out.