As it was world mental day yesterday I feel an update from my last post would be appropriate. In the weeks since that post I have resumed treatment for my Depression I have restarted taking medication and I have also started having Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).

As I understand it CBT is a “reprogramming” of your thought process in order to try and get a more positive and constructive thought process. It’s still early days in terms of the CBT so what effect it will have in conjunction with medication will become clearer later on.

In terms of how I’m feeling, it still feels like I have a long way to go to get better. At best I feel kind of flat and everything is a sort of dull and fuzzy, with the occasional spike of something other than depression. These spike are sporadic and not very often.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is things are different but not necessarily better. I still have more than a few bad days and they seem more intense on than before. The voice that says I should kill myself seems more convincing, more regular, more insistent. Some days I think today is the day that I’ll do it.

Paradoxically I believe I can get better but at the moment I’m not doing it for me or because I want to get better. I think I want to get better for the sake of other people. This is what I must hold on to, it is my only driving force at the moment even if it is struggling.

The Ainsworth motto apparently is “spero meliora” or “I hope for better things (for the better)” so hope I must, hope that CBT works and that those who are willing and patient enough to put up with me continue to do so.