Book Writing

So, I’ve decided that I’m going to write a book, I think it will be an interesting journey and a way to keep me busy and as a potential income stream in the future.

It’s still early doors yet but I’ve been brainstorming a few ideas around for a few weeks now to the point where I have the basic skeleton of a plot and have started writing the first chapter. I won’t be giving away too much now at the moment, just that it is a medieval fantasy. I believe it will be a good story and I am excited to share it once it is finished, hopefully, people will feel the same.

I’ve always been tempted by the idea of writing a book and attempted it a few years ago, but lost my work when my hard drive on my computer at the time got corrupted. This time I think I’ve learned to always have multiple saves.

I suppose I ought to list my inspirations so that people get an idea of what the book might be like as it takes shape. I’ve always had a love of fantasy and science fiction, so it makes sense to me that I would be drawn to one of these if I were to choose to write a novel. In terms of fantasy writers and their works, I love J.R.R. Tolkien’s works, not just lord of the rings but the extended universe as well, it may seem wordy and like wading through verbal treacle at times, but there is such a broad universe to get absorbed into that avid readers can dip in and out of to get a sense of the details within middle earth.

Another favourite of mine growing up was the Abhorsen series by Garth Nix, I felt it was an intriguing take on a world with magic users and the role within that world to protect it. I also liked the trilogies take on the mechanics of how magic is constructed, how magic is a series “letters” and symbols that have to be drawn to be used. Having a female protagonist was also quite refreshing as there just aren’t enough in fantasy fiction.

Thirdly Harry Potter has been a big influence on the sort of material I read and enjoy, the first book was released when I was seven years old, a time where I was getting to grips with reading independently. I was absorbed by this series of books as were many people around the world, it became so popular in our household that we had three copies from the third book onwards, we had them on tape and CD, for long family car journeys. it’s a series of books that will be precious to me for a long time to come.

During this process, I was hoping to be able to support myself and to be able to pay for publishing services from an editor or a publishing house, but it varies from £300 to £800, which I couldn’t hope to afford right now. In order to try and raise some funds I have set up a Patreon which is linked here:

Patreon is a service for creators to help with funding, it allows people to subscribe a certain amount per month to help support their favourite creators, if you wish to support me through this way there will be rewards for doing so, for example, an early preview of chapters or the book as a whole, there will be other rewards available as soon as I manage to arrange them.

There is also a tipping service called Buy Me a Coffee if you don’t want to pay a monthly amount but instead give a one-off tip, it would be equally appreciated, the link for that is as follows:

Anyway thanks again for letting me ramble for a bit, hopefully, there will be regular updates coming soon.

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Why do I like Metal music?

This question was posed to me by my brother over the last festive period and although I did answer it at the time as best I could, I’ve been thinking on it further in order to try and give a more articulate answer. But because I’m terrible at setting myself structured deadlines on my personal blog, I’ve been sitting on this/adding to it whenever I remember that this post is in my drafts. Metal is probaly my favourite genre of music but it isn’t the only genre I listen to, I’d say my music taste is fairly eccentric, but maybe that’s another post.

I find Metal music helps relax me weirdly, certain songs and albums have a certain rhythm and pace to them that helps me zone out, I find that the rhythm and pace sometimes get my imagination going as well. I also find it focuses me, helps me concentrate on days where I might need to get things done, it drives out distractions. It’s cathartic to listen to, through the noise it can convey a lot of things. From stories and emotions to fantasies and a few others. Sometimes it acts as a release for when I’m fed up or angry with something.

I find it helps my running as well, stick on something loud and fast and I find myself almost subconsciously driven by it. Like a war drum that signals at what pace things should be happening and communicate a sense of urgency to proceedings. having a pace setter also helps with running, so having something fast paced helps, plus it stops my brain from thinking too hard on why I’m running in the first place.

People who don’t listen to metal struggle to see past the noise, but as with any form of music, if you give a chance you’ll discover the subtleties to it. Metal can convey an awful lot of things if you listen hard enough, it isn’t just loud noise. It can tell a story, taking you on an adventure. Albums can be like a book where the individual songs are the chapters of the story.

The last few years have been a bit of a renaissance of my love of metal music, I’ve discovered so many great groups and artists and an awful lot of great female fronted metal bands, showing that women kick ass as much as the men.

Essentially there are a load of awesome bands out there making absolutely mega music and I wanted to showcase some of it and now I’m learning to play guitar I get to be jealous of these guys while working towards being even remotely on the same level as them.

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E3 2018: Xbox Press Conference

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Mental Health Awareness Week

As I’m sure many people are aware this week is mental health awareness week, also if you’ve read this blog before, you’ll know that I’ve struggled with depression over the last couple of years. It has been quite severe at times, to the point where I admitted on this blog that I was suicidal. I thought this would be a good reason to try and get up a few posts this week, to share some experiences and as an update on my journey through recovery.

A large part of the reason why I have posted about my own mental health on previous occasions is I hope I can provide a starting point for a conversation about mental illness in order to help break the stigma that is attached to the subject. I feel once we as a society overcome this hurdle, we will be a big step towards making it an easier burden to bear for those who are suffering.

Depression an all-consuming, oppressive illness that poisons everything in a persons’ life, it can be all they ever think about, it swallows them whole. I have found that there is little warning for when a depressive episode might occur, even if I might be in a “good period” I know it will never last. Medication really only works in conjunction with other things, in order to get the most out of it, in my personal experience, it needs to be paired with other treatments like CBT or other forms of counselling and therapy. I have found having a neutral person to talk to be very helpful.

Every person will experience mental illness differently, some people will regress and others won’t. Either way please be pantient with those that are experiencing any sort of mental illness, recovery is not a straight line from A to B. As with most things in life, things don’t go to plan due to any number of factors, mental illness is expecially complicated, because it is your brain that is sick.

Depression will always be with me I reckon, I see myself as permanently damaged goods and I’ve kind of come to accept that I will probably feel this to a certain extent for the rest of my life. Does it suck? absolutely, will it get easier to bear? I hope so.

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Describing Depression

It can often be hard to describe to depression to those that have never suffered it, I hear people often describe it as a black dog and after thinking on that bit in the last week or so, I find myself think that a dog isn’t the best way to describe it. To me describing depression as a dog suggests that on some level it has a friendly or loving side and it’s something that a person can learn to live despite its quirks and unusual behaviours. Depression is more of cunning, evil and predatory “animal” if that’s the theme that we’re going with.

Depression uses your own mind, thoughts and voice against you as it twists and bends them to its own will, it prey’s on any weakness it can sense and uses your own inner monologue to convince you that you don’t deserve to live or be loved or to have friends. It uses your own voice to convince you that the world would be better off without you and that you should do yourself harm. It can clutch in fear of doing the simplest things, it sucks you dry of motivation and impedes your concentration.

Depression can make things you used to love doing into hateful chores and make essential tasks painfully unimportant. Jobs and chores become smothering and oppressive you avoid them because you know there’s no point to tackling them in the long run. You begin to lose sight in doing any different from what you currently do, so depression brings you with it down the dark downward spiralling path into its shadowy den and it keeps you on a short leash to break your will and to keep you as a slave to keep it fed.

The black dog image, to me, gives the sense of something you can grapple or wrestle with, something that can be taken on and can be taken on alone, depression isn’t that though, hence why I’m wary to depict it as an animal, an animal gives it a physical form that can be fought or taken on. Depression is like more like a cloud or a mist something that’s clearly there but hard to get to grips with. Depression is vague and ever-changing dense and smothering but something you carry everywhere you go.

Depression is like fighting through deep water whilst walking on shifting ground, trying to reach a target that is constantly on the move. When it’s bad it’s almost sickening, it all you can think about, the only choices are either to try to keep going or to give up.

That’s not to say it’s all bad, some days are good and there are more of them coming.

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World Mental Health Day

As it was world mental day yesterday I feel an update from my last post would be appropriate. In the weeks since that post I have resumed treatment for my Depression I have restarted taking medication and I have also started having Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).

As I understand it CBT is a “reprogramming” of your thought process in order to try and get a more positive and constructive thought process. It’s still early days in terms of the CBT so what effect it will have in conjunction with medication will become clearer later on.

In terms of how I’m feeling, it still feels like I have a long way to go to get better. At best I feel kind of flat and everything is a sort of dull and fuzzy, with the occasional spike of something other than depression. These spike are sporadic and not very often.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is things are different but not necessarily better. I still have more than a few bad days and they seem more intense on than before. The voice that says I should kill myself seems more convincing, more regular, more insistent. Some days I think today is the day that I’ll do it.

Paradoxically I believe I can get better but at the moment I’m not doing it for me or because I want to get better. I think I want to get better for the sake of other people. This is what I must hold on to, it is my only driving force at the moment even if it is struggling.

The Ainsworth motto apparently is “spero meliora” or “I hope for better things (for the better)” so hope I must, hope that CBT works and that those who are willing and patient enough to put up with me continue to do so.

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In light of the recent high profile suicides

With the recent suicides of Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington, I feel it an appropriate time to talk about mental health issues and illness, as many people have done in recent weeks. I understand that my opinion is but a drop in the ocean and but I would hope that sharing my opinion and exeprerience of mental illness would encourage some discussion on the subject.

As a fan of both Audioslave and Linkin Park, I was shocked and saddened by the deaths of Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington. Their music was part of the soundtrack to my teenage years, so to lose two people who were a part of some important years of my life was a hard loss.

My own mental health is not something I find easy to talk about (this post has been in various draft forms for 3 weeks) but here goes. In 2012 I was diagnosed with depression, I’ve been on and off medication for it, I recently restarted taking the medication, I also have had counselling for it. Now this next bit is possibly going to be the hardest to write about or read, partly because it makes me realise how bad things are, I am suicidal and have been for a while. Even on medication and on the “good days”, I plan out how I’m going to commit suicide, it’s going to be one of two ways that I’ll use to take my own life, the question for me is not if, but when will I do it.

I have felt this way for what feels like a large part of the last two years. I find it difficult to put in to words how it feels to be suicidal or why I feel this way, but I’ll give it a go. Wanting to commit suicide is a constant, oppressive feeling in the back of your conscious, it’s always there, circling other things that you think about, occasionally forcing it’s way to the front and sitting there like are large, dense and heavy fog that refuses to shift on anyone else’s terms. It sucks of all motivation, even small things become difficult to do and the big things become astronomically unimportant and meaningless. It makes me realise how unimportant and useless I am how much of a burden I must be to those around me, how no-one really cares about me and why should they, I don’t deserve it, I’m not good enough.

It is times like these I look for distractions to shift my focus, these are one of three things usually, loud music (usually metal if anyone is interested), excercise or video games. These three things have helped me with the burden of depression, video games particularly because it’s somewhere where I get to be anyone but myself for a while. Loud music helps drown the voice that casts doubt on everything I do, that tells I don’t deserve to exist and that I’m a waste of space and time.

I’d like to say there’s a happy ending to this, that I bounce back to achieve something, but I’m not convinced, in fact the only thing I see is suicide, it is so consuming that I can’t see where my path takes me to whatever future is out there for me, I not sure how long it will go on for, but for now it will go on.

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