Retrospectively I’ve probably been suffering with it for years, but because I’ve only self harmed once I just assumed that the really down days/weeks/months were normal and everyone had them from time to time. It wasn’t until my latest episode that I thought it might be bad. This one started in October, it was so bad that it caused me to under-perform at college and that started a downward spiral. Since then I’ve probably planned my suicide four times and almost went through with it about four and a half weeks ago. For some reason just before I was going to do it, I was looking at my laptop screen (I had been googling suicide websites) and on the screen was the number for the Samaritans and I called it. This in retrospect was probably was a great thing to do. I haven’t really felt close to any of my family members so I didn’t ever feel comfortable talking to them, but I found it a little easier to talk to someone impartial. I was on the phone for an hour and a half and I felt better afterwards, not loads better, but better enough that I didn’t want to commit suicide, for now. Since then I have dipped again a couple of times and I have thought about comitting suicide numerous times in the last four and a half weeks, despite being on medication. As it’s only the first month I want to give it more time but how much longer will it be before I completely lose the will to live with nothing to look forward to, I suspect it won’t be too long.