Another slow weekend ahead

Posted on Jun 30, 2012 by duncanainsworth

After a few jobs that need doing around the house and the garden I’m going to try and settle down in to some writing, seeing as in the week I’ve had off I have only written about a paragraph which isn’t that much. I might also try to do some model painting as I’ve finally done the base layer on all of the models from the Space Wolves battle force so all I need to do is add the second coat and they’ll be done, of course not that they’ll be done that well, I’m not exactly a professional. Other than that I need to find some money from somewhere to go and buy the new 40k rulebook seeing as it was released today.

I probably also need to start looking for jobs as well seeing as I don’t really have a plan at the moment and I can hang around for ever, that’s probably not good for me and won’t get me anywhere. Anyway the quicker I get on the quicker I get to chill out

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My Google+ page

Posted on Jun 28, 2012 by duncanainsworth

My Google+ page

For anyone who uses Google+ this is is me. I’m going to be using this instead of Facebook. I’ve had it for a while, although I’ve only started using more recently. I did have an idea of using the ability to record hangouts as a group Vlog but no-one seems to have taken to it. Anyway check it out if you want to and I’ll happily talk to anyone who feels the urge to get in contact through there

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I finally got rid of Facebook

Posted on Jun 27, 2012 by duncanainsworth

I finally got round to deactivating my Facebook account. Not because it wasn’t used because it was and not because I didn’t care about all the annoying people on it (well maybe a little. It was mostly use to keep in contact with family, who I don’t talk to anyway. so while I was using it to mutually ignore my family and friends, I was only using it because  I felt that I had to use it to make it worth having.

Then it dawned on me that I had been using it less and less over the last few weeks, only using it to update an occasionally funny status to reassure the extended family that I was still there and to post tumblr blog entries elsewhere but no-one reads them anyway so who cares. So I figured I could probably deactivate my account and no-one would be particularly fussed about it and well it’s been a week and no-one is particularly bothered about it. Neither do I miss it really I mean of late I found it particularly boring to use and with family members also keeping tabs on me it felt kind of weird and frustrating to have to censor and restrict myself from posting what I really wanted to just in case I offended anyone that I would eventually have to face.

Hopefully now I’m not wasting so much time on it I can hopefully concentrate properly on writing, blogging and other hobbies of mine that fell by the wayside because I was too busy caring about what other people were whining about or what they were gossiping about. So all in all I’m pretty happy that I got rid of it. I don’t miss using it or just staring at it for hours on end.

Anyway I hope to posting more regularly now and I’ll aim to be more interesting in the future as well instead of just aimlessly rambling about a whole lot of nothing.

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depression sucks

Posted on Jun 26, 2012 by duncanainsworth

Retrospectively I’ve probably been suffering with it for years, but because I’ve only self harmed once I just assumed that the really down days/weeks/months were normal and everyone had them from time to time. It wasn’t until my latest episode that I thought it might be bad. This one started in October, it was so bad that it caused me to under-perform at college and that started a downward spiral. Since then I’ve probably planned my suicide four times and almost went through with it about four and a half weeks ago. For some reason just before I was going to do it, I was looking at my laptop screen (I had been googling suicide websites) and on the screen was the number for the Samaritans and I called it. This in retrospect was probably was a great thing to do. I haven’t really felt close to any of my family members so I didn’t ever feel comfortable talking to them, but I found it a little easier to talk to someone impartial. I was on the phone for an hour and a half and I felt better afterwards, not loads better, but better enough that I didn’t want to commit suicide, for now. Since then I have dipped again a couple of times and I have thought about comitting suicide numerous times in the last four and a half weeks, despite being on medication. As it’s only the first month I want to give it more time but how much longer will it be before I completely lose the will to live with nothing to look forward to, I suspect it won’t be too long.

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what to do

Posted on Jun 24, 2012 by duncanainsworth

I need some structure. Those are four words I never thought I would say. Of course it’s probably part of a paradox, as soon as I get some structure in my life be it with work or something else, I’ll probably be happy with doing nothing. So today I will try and get some more writing done and a bit more model painting done. Other than that I might watch a film later probably be the Godfather part 2. Then the football is on and 7:45, I have to say I’m still a bit cynical about England doing well I had predicted that we’ll get knocked out of the competition at this stage so there’s still time for that to happen. I don’t think they’ll do very well England plays some very boring football, but obviously it’s working so far. The problems start when we play creative teams like Spain or Germany, they will probably pick us apart. Whether or not our set-up will hold against the Italians later we will have to see.

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I should be happier

Posted on Jun 24, 2012 by duncanainsworth

So now I’m officially finished college and did slightly better than just pass the course. I feel like I should be a lot  happier but I’m not. There are far too many uncertainties in the future to be particularly happy about anything really. Apart from looking for jobs I have no idea what I’m going to be doing from here on out. The strength of my medication has just been doubled so we will see how that goes I guess. There are still a few options to discuss and a few more people to talk to, so I should really wait for the conclusions of those chats before assigning my life to the rubbish bin. All I can say is depression really sucks.

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A few of my favourite photos

Posted on Jun 23, 2012 by duncanainsworth

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only two more days to struggle through

Posted on Jun 13, 2012 by duncanainsworth

Then college is done for good and I can concentrate on getting better and sorting my life out. I might even get work done on time, just. Hopefully after Thursday I finally concentrate on writing and I can get a lot more done. I’m also looking forward to doing more model painting I have my model painting playlist to keep me motivated. It is a good one. I might take a few screen captures of it later instead of trying to type it all out,I don’t think there’s a way of sharing Itunes playlists.
In other news I have an original idea on a book I’d like to write rather than the fan fiction I’m currently writing, but I think I’m just going to write a few notes on it first and continue with what I’m currently writing before moving on to other stuff, just so that I’m not chopping and changing and getting the two mixed up or juggling too much.

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It’s odd

Posted on Jun 11, 2012 by duncanainsworth

Knowing that this time on Thursday I will have finished college forever. Of course I have no idea what I’ll be doing after that. After my mental breakdown and being diagnosed with depression I have no solid plan. Well I could try buying a lottery ticket I suppose then I could use that money to support me while I do some more writing t other than that there’s no plan which sucks.

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It’s June already

Posted on Jun 2, 2012 by duncanainsworth

Where did the first five months of 2012 go? Seriously time is such a weird concept it’s indescribable and odd it sometimes doesn’t flow like it ought to. It’s almost disconcerting to think it a few short weeks we will be halfway through the year. We have a few interesting sporting events to look forward to in the next couple of months with the football European championships and then the Olympics in London and then by the time those are finished we’ll be just about back in to the normal football, which will be very interesting as a man city fan. The next few months could be difficult personally, having just been diagnosed with depression I have no idea where my life is going to end up, not university at the moment my recent mental breakdown means I’m not getting the grades I need to go. Whether I can retake this year once I get better remains to be seen. Of course I need to try and find a job as a plan B otherwise things can get difficult. I suppose we shall have to see how it goes

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